Ray’s Survival Guide for Taxi Passengers in Jakarta

Apparently the TV stations of Jakarta decided that there had been one too many women being raped, robbed, murdered, molested, abused, stripped naked and dumped in the middle of nowhere, while they are taking a cab in Jakarta. So they put together a TV program that gives you tips on how to survive the murderous hordes of Jakarta taxis. However, being a TV program that it is, it cannot really tell you _everything_ you need to survive, because it cannot favour one taxi company, for example, although everybody knows which one taxi company it is.

So, here’s Ray’s Survival Guide for Jakarta Taxis’ Passengers:

1. Don’t take a taxi. Yes, this is the most reliable way to avoid the “death/rape by taxi” phenomenon. Of course, you can always get murdered as an innocent bystander by highschool students who are busy killing one another in a “tawuran”, but that’s another matter.

2. If you HAVE to take a taxi, then… be a man. Taxi drivers in Jakarta don’t seem to like raping men yet. If you happen to be a woman, then… dress sensibly, yeah? Don’t show off any body parts unnecessarily. If you think you’re so beautiful that even without showing off you’re in danger, then get a man to drive you around, dammit. Shouldn’t be so difficult for you in the first place, yeah? Especially those platonic friends whom you’ve already LJBF-ed (Let’s Just Be Friends) but still hoping to get into your pants one day. They are the best. (If you don’t have any, time to look in the mirror again: you are NOT beautiful.)

3. If you have to take a taxi and you’re not a man, then choose Bluebird Taxi. These blue taxis are known for their safety record. I don’t think I’ve heard of any Bluebird taxi driver raping or murdering anyone. Be careful though, knowing that the blue colour of the Bluebird Taxis is associated with safety, a lot of bastards are trying to cheat you by using a similar colour and logo placement for their taxis. The Bluebird logo looks like this:

You see, it IS really a bird, and it is really blue. Also, note that all Bluebird drivers are in uniform, have short hair, and wear shoes. Like they say, “judge the book by its covers, lest the book rapes you”.

4. If you have to take a taxi, and you’re not a man, and there’s no Bluebird around, then call a Bluebird. The number is 7941234. If you just arrived in Jakarta’s airport, note that there is a Bluebird counter at the airport. Do NOT go into the queue directly. Book one from this counter.

5. If you still can’t get one, then make sure that the trunk is empty. There are many occasions where the evil taxi driver’s accomplice is hiding inside the trunk. The TV program that I saw urges us to ask the driver to step down and open the trunk for inspection before getting inside the cab. Safety first.

6. Before stepping into the cab, look inside the cab. Make sure that all the other seats are empty. There have been many occasions that the accomplice is hiding at the back. Ask the driver to turn on the light for a while.

7. After you’re sure that the cab is empty except for the driver, take the left backseat. That is, the one not behind the driver. I’ve heard of taxi drivers pushing their seat all the way back to trap the passenger.

8. Do not close the door first. Match the ID on the dashboard with the driver’s face. Make sure that they are similar. Remember, safety first.

9. After you’ve got in, lock the doors to prevent would-be murderers and rapists from getting into the cab somewhere along the way. But at the same time, after you’ve locked the door, try opening the door to make sure that he’s not locking you inside. Just say, “Eh Pak sebentar Pak.” (Dude, wait a minute), and then try to unlock the door and open it.

10. Check if you can roll down the window. This is necessary to find out if your scream can get out if something bad is happening to you (touch wood).

11. Of course, you need somebody to hear your screams, so, be aware. Don’t let him take you to a remote and dark area. Unless you know the way and you do live in a remote and dark area, that is.

12. If after reading all this you still insist on taking a cab, well… all the best to you. Try to bring a gun or a knife along or something. Of course, if you can afford an illegal gun in Indonesia, you don’t have a business taking a taxi since you’ll have a personal chauffeur to drive you around in your luxury car. Knife, then.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Ray’s Survival Guide for Taxi Passengers in Jakarta

  1. But but, in Singapore you don’t have proper satay, soto, konro, or even proper siomay. And no Teh Botol. Heh. Teh Botol ROCKS! We do have Ya Kun Kaya Toast here, on the other hand…

  2. Man.. you are the man, damn funny!

    BTW, to those who can’t afford own transportation, not even a bicycle, too lazy to walk, and yet too reluctant to take public transportations, – JUST GROW YOURSELF WINGS!

    christie

  3. hueahahahaha mbah mbah, you’re so funny you know. I just read your two post and all are funny. but it is true, you should be aware if you are taking taxi in Jakarta.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s