The Curious Schemer

Some people never cease to amaze me. I got to know this guy from Indonesia, who claimed he held a Master degree (I won’t disclose from where). Anyway, in one conversation, he claimed that he spoke English fluently, and was obviously quite eager to prove his command of this language.

I felt quite weird, speaking English to a fellow Indonesian, so I said, “I just don’t feel the need to chat in English–I’m an Indonesian after all.”

Then the most amazing thing happened.

He said, “Wah… gramer [sic] lu kacau tuh” (Wow, your “gramer” is atrocious)

“Sebelum ‘need’ ngga usah pake ‘the’, ntar orang bingung.” (Before ‘need’, you don’t need ‘the’, or else people will get confused)

“Mustinya ngomongnya gini: ‘My feel no need in English’ atau ‘In my feeling there are needed chat with English’” (You should have said: ‘My feel no need in English’ or ‘In my feeling there are needed chat with English’)

Okay, Master. I bow to your wisdom…

Don’t you hate this kind of people? Years passed by without you ever hearing from them, they don’t message you, they don’t show up in any gatherings, they don’t sms, call or even wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (when you send them a Happy New Year sms they’ll reply with, “sorry, who’s this?”), they don’t even keep in touch with your friends, basically they don’t give a shit about you.

Even when you knew them they were not THAT close to you. They were not like close friends who knew about you and listened to you and vice versa. They were the type who knows that that face you see in Friendster, is attached to the name “Ray”, and that’s about it. Anything other than that is none of their interest.

I know some people who are like that. Got a call out of the blue from one recently.

“Hi Ray, ” she said. I was so surprised.

I merely said “Hi” back. It was followed by a perfunctory “How are ya”–you know, the “how are ya” that is not really “how are ya”, but more like a rhetorical “how are ya”, which is really weird, because you know that they’re not expecting an answer, and they know that they’re not expecting an answer, but linguistically it means “HOW ARE YOU?”, so you have to answer it with something.

I never know how to answer a rhetorical how are ya. I mumbled something about busy work blah blah blah yada and how she was doing?

Anyway, the third sentence was: “I need to ask you a favour”

Me: “SEE!!! I KNEW IT!!!” (in my brain)

Me: (coming out of my mouth) “Yeah, what?”

Her: (in summary: asking me for my connections because she wants to start a business). This is pretty common. Another common one is: “I have a business opportunity, but I cannot tell you what it is–it’s better that you come for a presentation!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know of any of my friends who’d be interested in that at the moment…”

Her: “Can you ask around like really quick?” (the guts!!!)

Me: “Sure, but I’m busy right now. When I’ve got the chance to do it I’ll tell ya.” (Read: yeah, as if, woman)

Her: “So when do you think you can get back to me?” (If I wanted deadlines I’d talk to my boss, thank you very much)

Me: “When I’ve got the chance to ask around. I’ll ask around for you ” (Read: YEAH. AS. IF!!!)

Her: “OK then… do give me a call ya?”

Me: “Sure…” (Read: Yeahhhhh, suureeeeee…) Bye now. Take care. (Read: Well, take care and live to be 100 or jump into a pot of molten lead–either is OK with me.)

Oh man. I hate those people. The thing about those people is that they really have this uncanny ability to make you feel like a prostitute. You feel used.

Wait, prostitute gets paid. So let me correct that: they have this uncanny ability to make you feel like an unpaid prostitute. You feel used. (And unpaid.)